I Miss You...

I have a feeling of missing someone for the past 2 weeks... It has been bothering me since then... Hmmm... finally I got the answer to it... I miss my late Grandma...

Starting thinking of the good memories I had with her since young. I missed how she used to pamper me with small gifts when I do not want to return home. I missed the holidays I spent with her; going to Pasar Malam on every Wednesday evening beside Pelangi Plaza, Johore. I missed her hug, her touch and her nagging.. LOL. She had this habit of adding a dollar for our angpao every Chinese New Year. I supposed it means I am growing older every year.. Missed her cooking; I remembered I like her fried fish with garlic on top of it. Though it is a simple and plain dish, I loved it alot. I missed sleeping in her room and chatted with her till I fall asleep. I missed her making me Hot Milo every morning and it changed to black coffee when I am growing up.. LOL... I missed her smile even though she seldom really smile but I can feel it inside her. I missed talking to her and listen to her woes.

How I wish she is still around and I will surely be most willing to spend all my leaves to be with her. I hate to see her not able to recognize me at all when she is in hospital after a bad fall. It pains my heart to see her leg is still bleeding. It hurts to see her mumbling to herself. It shattered my heart when I see her sleeping silently and will be in sleep forever.

Grandma, till today I still miss you and I am thankful you came to visit me every now and then in my dreams...

Love you always Grandma... 

Birthday

Whenever one's birthday's birthday is near, the person would usually be excited for celebrations, gifts and stuff... Some even started talking about it months before their birthday...

My birthday is coming soon... couple of days more.. However this year I do not have the feeling of excitement, the feeling of looking forward to it.. worse still, I do not feel my birthday is coming at all!!!

Perhaps I have too many things going on for my birthday month..

- Building my spa business and getting stress from my bosses whenever I see him in office.. He will always ask me what is your target.. do you think you can achieve this and that... Aiyoooo... getting tensed up and stress la...

- Annual Dinner and Dance: After months of preparation, fire fighting ... the day is approaching.. Hmm. so much last minute thing to handle.. coordination to oversee.... How I wish this day can be over asap!!! LOL..

- Lonely Christmas?? I am supposed to visit KL with friends but I cancelled it due to tight budget... What am I supposed to do on Xmas lei?? The worst is Singapore does not snow.. or lse I can just hibernate at home and sleep throughout the day!!! LOL....

Haha.... seems like I am ending my year 2010 with loads of  complaints!!!!! :)

IT IS REALLY COMING BACK.... :(

I always thought I could suppress it and hoping to get over it with some techniques which I have learnt previously. I used all kinds of ways and methods for the past months but I am no longer able to contain it. It is hitting real hard till I lost almost all the control.

 - Feeling frustrated easily
 - Losing focus very easily
 - Do not have the energy to move things
 - In need for a shelter ever moment
 - Crying out loud (inside me)
 - The thought of giving up everything

I keep asking myself why do I have to go through all these over and over again... I hate myself so much now as my mental strength is so so weak. I wanna be normal again. I wanna a normal life... All these are killing me.

Everyone keep telling me I can do it nd jmp out of it. I wished to. I am trying my very best. But I am sinking in and climbing out... I climb an inch higher, I will fall a foot deeper... I do not want to take medication again. IT SUCKS!!!

Can I give up everything???

Choices in life

A story was told to me.... it is a true story happened in Vietnam. An army boy called home one day to his mother.

"Hey Mummy,I have a favour to ask from you." said the army boy.
"What is it my son?" replied the mother.
"One of my army mate had lost his leg during his training. He does not have any family or relatives. Can I send him home and you help to take care of him?" The army boy pleaded.

The mother paused for a while and said the following.

"Well my son, you know there are many issues to consider by fetching your friend home. I suggest if you are fine, then it is alright and please come back home. As for your friend... ermm.."

"Alright Mummy, I get what you meant and that's all. I got to go for training. Thank you!" replied the army boy and put down the phone.

After the last call from the army boy, he did not return home and the mother did not get to see her son again.

A question was asked - Why didn't the army boy return home?

The answer was that the friend whom the army boy mentioned was himself. He had lost his leg during to training and called back to check with the mother on her reaction. However, after hearing what his mother had to say, he decided to commit suicide and not return home. To him, if he returns, he will be a burden to his mother.

After listening to the story, I felt sad. However, I have 2 perspectives on this story.

1) Will the story change if the army boy had told her mother that he had lost his leg instead of his friend? How big would the heart of the mother will be to accept a handicapped child?

Given to the living conditions in Vietnam, perhaps the army boy's family was poor and if the family has to support a handicapped person, it will seriously add on to the burden.

If you are the mother, what would you do?

2) In life, we have to be ready to face different situation, circumstances that is happening. How ready are we?

My immediate response to the story is that if I am the mother, I will say yes to accept his friend. However, did I consider the burdens, hardship, difficulties I have to face? The truth is no. If I were to pause for a moment and think it through, what would be my answer still? It is a hard choice to decide.

One part of me will say YES as we should care for one another and help out if we can. However on the other side, if this person will add on to the family burden, is it still the right choice to take him in and suffer together?

Another argument will comes in stating that should we abandon the person if we already knows the plight? Will it really burden the family if the family has to feed one more mouth?

If we reject to accept the person, the person might starve to death. A life will be lost. But if we could take him in, we would save a life and he might have a chance to move on and create a new life again.

What will you do........